Counting Stars~

Somebody told me that I can understand the meaning of life between my actions. But now, I can't tell what I'm doing. I wish to be nice, I wish to not hurt people. But I hurt them, every time. I don't even notice sometimes. I´m trying to show that I don't care, and that I'm ok with that. But sometimes, I feel very bad, and I want to escape, because I can´t stand and see their faces telling me that I make them feel bad, or angry. I fight with this every day. I fight with the feeling that I´m not enough to nobody. I fight with my body, and my heart and my soul, because my mind is full of thoughts that I can´t make it. Sometimes I win. Sometimes, I don't. I think, one day I'll get used to it. One day I'll get up of my bed, and I will feel that I´m not miserable, that I deserve to  be happy as every person, that I´m not a charge for anybody, I'll got breakfast, and I'll go to the street, with a firm conviction that nothing gonna stop me anymore. And I keep thinking this, because, that day feels closer sometimes, and others, gets blurry. I can't be perfect, and I know it, but, in some place of my mind, a place that I  rather go, keeps the idea that I has to be like this because there´s no place in the world for someone like me being foolish, dumb, and imperfect. Because, deep inside of me, I feel that I don't deserve anything at all. Anything than pain, and sorrow, and loneliness. That´s why I go far far away to every dream I have, and to every person I really like. That´s why I fell in love in an unilateral love, unrequited love. Be cause I feel that I don't deserve to have anybody to help me or, to love me. I don't really know when that thoughts appear. When I think about that, I feel that every single thought that makes me see myself on that way has been with me for always. Like the tag of the newborns in the hospital, comes with the package of be me, and becames a creed... a pledge. That´s why I overreact, and that´s why I just do stupid things to make crappy the coolest things of my life. I sabotage myself every day, when I´m starting to be happy or, less lonely. But I don´t wanna do it anymore. I can´t accept to wake up some day, and look at a life that I refuse to live. It´s hard time to time, but, I think I can make it. I will make it.